29 Rules for College Graduates
1. Relax. Nobody expects anything from you for the first 80 to 90 years.
2. Good news: It totally doesn't matter that you barely cracked "The Grapes of Wrath" or "Light in August" sophomore year. It's never going to come up. Ever. You're safe now.
3. You're going to buy a bad bed. You can't help it. You just graduated college. You don't know
anything about beds. You're going to sleep on the worst bed for at least seven years. It might even be a horrible futon. This will be funny later.
4. No matter how hard you try to stop it, you're going to end up watching "Jerry Maguire" and "Con Air" at least 1,300 times on cable.
5. You can mispronounce "nadir" and "banal" for the rest of your life, and it's OK, because nobody really knows how to pronounce "nadir" or "banal."
6. You can under-Karaoke, but definitely don't over-Karaoke.
7. While you're still young, stay up to watch the end of "Monday Night Football." After the age of 35,
it's physically impossible.
8. Never enter an IKEA without your game face on.
9. Life is too short to be a Miami Marlin.
10. The job market is fierce right now, but if you're lucky to get an interview, you can set yourself apart from the crowd by wearing shorts and flip-flops to the interview. Trust me on this. Everyone loves shorts and flip-flops—especially if you start the interview by kicking the flip-flops up on top of the interviewer's desk, then yawning loudly before opening a tin of Pringles.
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